Should you feel guilty?

When studying and discussing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) there is so much conversation regarding the inability of words to truly map our experience and how that language can get in the way of managing our emotions. One word that has come up regularly in session is the label “guilt”. You can feel guilty and have done nothing wrong. Ever had a Police Car drive past and immediately check your speed regardless as to whether you’re well under the limit or not? I understand this can be a reaction to mitigate risk but it is an irrational one in the face of being forever stranded in Sydney traffic. This is a particularly useful analogy as it outlines the complexity of the motivators behind that reaction. There could be fear of a fine, fear of the police, worry that you had become absent minded or you have had a difficult history with law enforcement. Where ever this comes from not many would doubt there is a “flavour” of guilt involved.

I try to explain the complexity of this kind of guilt by using the ACT technique that treats thoughts and emotions as clues to your own values. Rather than getting lost in the first thought that provokes the most emotion, sit with the feeling and let other ideas come to the surface. Often when a client goes through a big life transition like breaking up from a long term relationship, habitual emotional responses are no longer “rational”. For example, if you are out with friends after a break up, clients often feel a sense of guilt if they try and follow through with someone who is flirting. They will label their anxiety as guilt, which unfairly and inaccurately implies you are doing something wrong that would harm someone else. Applying the idea that this emotion is better understood as a clue to your values, then one interpretation could be that there is a need for more time to get over a partner. It may indicate a desire to not immediately jump into bed with the next person you meet in respect for the connection that is still felt regardless of the official end of the relationship and obligations of monogamy. 

The example I often give to clients involves my becoming a Father and that there was a need to be far more present at home in order for everyone to be supported and so I could feel that I was acting toward my values in regards to family. This meant that when I left for my first surf and knew I’d be leaving my wife with our child alone I sat out in the beauty of an early morning ocean feeling waves of guilt. I spent part of that time talking myself down. My wife authentically supported the paddle and knows what it does for my mental health and the benefits for our family dynamic. And yet my guilt came knocking. It was a good reflection of where my values lay, but the label of guilt and the associated anxiety is not a reliable narrator or instructor. The urge might to be to stay at home, but that guilt might come from a desire to overly self-sacrifice. It could even be read as an avoidance of any risk or adaptation to a new set of circumstances that feels uncomfortable.

Flexibility is important in interpreting labels, thoughts and their associated emotions. The label of guilt isn’t always a red herring. It is quite possible that the next time I want to go for a surf and I push against the angst I might be pushing toward selfishness. If I am being selfish, what needs am I trying to meet and how can they be better serviced? One of the methods of managing guilt in this case is to set a schedule for self-care where everyone involved knows where you will be at a certain time every week. This does not have to be at the sacrifice of spontaneity but it does make sure your needs are met. And finally becoming practiced at soothing the resistance when self-sacrificing is required is a very important skill, particularly to sustain healthy relationships and a sense of community.