Why do I often feel so lonely?

One of the difficulties in psychological practice is seperating an emotion in someone from the context in which it emerges. More accurately, we are trying to work out whether those two things should be seperated or not. If someone is feeling lonely and they are cripplied by that experience do I help them soothe that emotion or should we work on the fact that they are often and literally alone? Lonliness is a very useful emotion (like most feelings) that is a clue toward something that you need. Unfortunately the thoughts that come along with those feelings can be confusing.

Something that a psychologist should be working with you on are the mental obstacles that occur when you are trying to acheive something that you value deep down. Someone might be afraid of socialising but they understand that to reduce their lonliness they will have to confront that fear. In this case they understand their values trump their fear but managing their fear is very difficult. In this example, the problem then isn’t the lonliness but the fear the isolates that person.

There is always some value in helping someone weather the lonliness as it comes on the way to emerging from isolation. Diluting the impact of lonliness should be the goal and not removing it all together. This should be determined by how the thoughts associated with lonliness have become distorted. If lonliness is heavily associated with not being “good enough” for instance. Helping someone dismantle the idea of not being socially worthy should lead to their ability to authentically portray themselves socially and cope with the complicated process of social situations and makling friends.

Unfortunately for some of us, our journey through life has made our social presentation somewhat of an acquired taste. I’ve certainly assumed that narrative often enough. Hopefully while you work through your issues not only will you acheive a sense of acceptance of your current presentation out in the world but you can also synthesise the misalignment of others. That just means being able to speak to a variety of humans with differing opinions and social presentations and being able to suspend judgment of yourself and others in order to find your people. Those people that will make socialising worthwhile.

The difference between introversion and extraversion in this experience purely comes down to quanity of engagements. However both the introvert and the extrovert must challenge themselves in social situations to find authentic connection. The extrovert will need to learn the subtlety of one on one engagement and the introvert the flexibility when coping with a group based activity.

So if you are lonely and are stuck analysing why that might be on an existential level, your contemplation is far better turned toward your current actions and environment and how mental obstacles might be getting in the way of your ability to change those experiences. What do you believe about others and your relationship to them that might be getting in the way of you taking a risk?